Motherless

She was sick at my wedding, unable to be there for the birth of my first daughter, and passed away two days after we conceived our second baby girl.   She missed so many of the highlights of my life.

It is, however, the small seemingly unimportant memories that I cherish.   I am purposing myself to make these kinds of memories with my girls.

Simply, I miss her and the miracles, milestones, and even mistakes we can no longer share.   I do , however, feel blessed to have had her as long as I did.  It will be 16 years this July since she died.

There are so many unanswered questions…..

Did I have growing pains when I was little?  I remember my big brother did.  And all three of my girls have had them.  Did I?  I still have so many unanswered questions.

She used to sing in a silly Italian voice, bold and inviting, every time she would make chicken catcciatore.  Her voice and the smell of chicken and garlic would draw me to the kitchen from the back of the house and makes me smile just to think about it. How was I to know that recipe was in her head and not in the dozens of recipes I went through after she died?  I have tried and tried to make it like she did.  But it isn’t the same.  That recipe went to the grave with her.

And so many other, personal, meaningful questions will forever be unanswered.

Sometimes when I get an extraordinary deal at a yard sale, there is a small part of me that wants to tell her about it somehow…even now.  I imagine her silently cheering me on.  We reveled together yard- saling before she got so sick.  Now, my oldest daughter shares my excitement.

I have the most unbelievable friends in the world and they can’t take the place of my mom.   They have, however, made an impressive attempt at filling that hole.   It was my mother-in-law that made my veil, helped with the wedding, and decorated our first home with curtains.  And it is my aunt who has replaced my mom when I need to talk or need encouragement.  I hope they know how much it has meant to me over the years and still does.

And it has been my friends that have prayed me and encouraged me through the last 15 years.

This post is to remember the mom who sang, told me she loved me everyday, and was my biggest cheerleader;  For all the moms who read this experiencing loss;  For The Most Beautiful Mother I Know;   And to honor all the Godly women who make remarkable attempts at filling these ‘holes’ for other women.

Consider yourself hugged if you are missing your momma today too.
{{HUGS}}

My mom, Sheila, at about the same age I am now.